from Trauma and Self-Sabotage
by Sophia Deborah Erez, M.S.,
Understanding how neurobiological effects
of childhood trauma affect our adult relationships is the
first step in healing. A trauma therapist shares five
principles to break free from the automatic responses that
self-sabotage our lives.
The more we understand the neurobiological
effects of trauma—and child abuse, including neglect, is
trauma—the more we understand that our behaviors
which cause us harm are often the result of biological
adaptation to threat and not necessarily lack of willpower.
When we learn to ask ourselves what it is we are doing to
create safety in the present moment, miracles happen.
A Case Study:
Let’s take the example of 35-year old
Sarah (name and details changed to protect identity), who
abused cocaine and alcohol.
Sarah entered treatment after a seemingly
benign argument with her boyfriend led to what she described
as "a monumental meltdown." She ended the
relationship with her boyfriend in an abusive manner, was
fired from her job, and sank into a deep depression. Sarah
wasn’t willing to admit that she had a problem with
chemical dependence, but she was willing to figure out
"why I lose it and hurt all the people who are
important to me." She was angry, defensive, and
desperately trying to escape the shame she felt for her
behavior. Sarah did not have much hope for herself.
Everything changed for Sarah when, with
the help of individual trauma therapy, she acknowledged that
the things she did that caused herself harm were actually
her best attempt at creating safety in the present moment.
Her troubling behaviors weren’t the problem; they were a
symptom of the problem: unresolved childhood trauma.
When Sarah was 8 years old, she returned
from school to find that her "Nana," the caretaker
she had known and loved since birth, had resigned without
warning. Sarah’s parents, who struggled with their own
unresolved trauma, never discussed this loss with her.
Unattended in her grief, young Sarah blamed herself for
Nana’s disappearance and developed the subconscious belief
that loving someone leads to intolerable pain.
When sensing threat in the environment,
the limbic system in our brain goes into action, searching
for templates of past experience similar to our current
situation. These templates often include sensory information
and cognitions coupled with physiological, affective, and
behavioral responses that historically ensured our survival.
The more complicated a person’s trauma history, the more
complex these templates are.
A loud sound, we jump. An approaching
hand, we flinch. A hint of love or intimacy, and Sarah
destroys it before it destroys her. Survive first and sort
it out later.
Designed for evolutionary efficiency, this
process happens in milliseconds, and Sarah reacts long
before she understands what she is doing. Later she feels
shame, which triggers feelings of low self-worth, which
Sarah compensates for with cocaine, which triggers feelings
of shame, and so on.
Eventually, Sarah did sort it out.
Understanding the following principles helped Sarah to
disrupt her cycle of self-harm. She found compassion for
herself and the motivation to stay engaged in treatment.
Five principles to
break free from trauma and self-sabotage:
The behaviors we do that
appear to sabotage our well-being are often our best
attempt at creating safety in the present moment.
We do these things because,
historically, they worked. Ironically, we know they worked
because we are alive today and often struggle with how
these behaviors are no longer helpful.
We cannot expect to stop
utilizing the templates our nervous systems have learned
to trust unless we have access to at least one other
template that works just as well.
The healing process
includes honoring what has outlived its usefulness,
learning to pause when feeling threatened, and accessing
healthier, more effective ways of sensing safety in the
present moment.
The more moments we have of
sensing safety in healthy ways, the more likely these
"new" templates will became the default response
in times of crisis and the more we learn to trust
ourselves.
Therapy and inpatient treatment can
provide profound insight into automatic behavior responses
and their causes while helping us create new, chosen
responses that honor ourselves and others. Commitment and
effort are required to understand and change patterns of
thinking and behavior. However, the return in peace of mind
is a huge reward.
Sierra Tucson’s Program for Sexual and
Trauma Recovery helps many people find better understanding
and new patterns for life. Specific groups for Trauma/Abuse
or Sexual Compulsivity provide a safe environment to process
experiences and create new ways of thinking.
As Sarah began to work through her
unresolved trauma, she learned that acknowledging what
didn’t go right in her childhood was not an excuse for her
behavior but, rather, an opportunity to take responsibility
for the wounded part of herself that was seeking safety. In
doing so, Sarah became her own miracle.
